Struggle

I want a book deal for The Matchbox. Is that so wrong? I want Girl on a Stick officially out, I want the film finished. I am so tired of waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.

I am probably in a different situation than most whining authors - Girl on a Stick *has* a publisher, will be published (soon); I *have* a lovely agent who is repping The Matchbox, and big-deal publishers *are* currently interested in it. The film is *nearly* finished, after five years. Almost. And yet, and yet, I made $8,000 last year. There is no real publishing industry in this town, so employment is, er "frustrating". I am way below poverty-line, and I am tired of struggling. I am tired of struggling as an author, painter, filmmaker. I have been struggling, not to "make it", but just to have a voice, since I was 22. That is 15 years of struggle, and it has worn me down.

I also find it hard to retain optimism in this difficult world.

15 years of graft; I know if I just hang on a little longer, but I am really tired. Really tired. And all I've done, all the paintings, short films I've acted in, films I've created, books I've written, ALL of those I have done while working full-time, as a publisher, editor, waitress, envelope-stuffer, persimmon-polisher, you name it. I am not a privileged artist. I'm just so fucking tired.